▶ Your Answer :
Living longer time with their families benefits the young
adults in two ways: they can focus on their works and developing careers, and
they can have guidance from their parents when they need. Therefore, I believe it is better for young adults to live with their families for a longer time than having independence from their parents as soon as possible. (주제에 대한 동의/반대 의견을 작성하기에 앞서 hook이라고 생각될 수 있는 내용 (본 주제에 대한 다양한 의견 등) 을 작성해주세요.
Young adults still need support from their families to
focus on their works and career build-up while living with their families.
Living independently from their parents require housework. At the early stage
of being an adult, achieving credentials during their study or work is very
important because it leads to happier lives for them in the future. When I
lived independently from my family during my first two years of undergraduate
life, I had to spend three hours per day on housework such as washing my
cloths, cooking/dishing, and fixing some problems in my house myself. Thus, I
was not able to find sufficient time to handle tremendous amount of school work
and could not think deeply about my future career since I had to deal with tasks that are relevant to my daily routine but irrelevant from my studies. However, when I lived with family in the
junior year, my mother cooked my meal and washed my clothes with those of
other family members together. My father took care of maintenance of
the house where I lived with my family, and I was able to save significant time so
that I could prepare my career for the future. --> 여기서는 가족들과 살며 career에 집중할 수 있다는 내용보다는 "독립으로 인해 혼자 해야할 많은 tasks에 소요되는 시간을 줄일 수 있다"가 더 적합한 이유로 보입니다.
In addition, while living with their parents for a
longer time, they can have some guidance and avoid situations that the young
adults make decisions on their own. Decisions that were solely by young adults may lead negative outcomes because of their lack of experience. Young adults are still in need of some guidance of their
parents. Particularly, in the situations to make important decisions, young
adults who live alone may make some mistake in their important decisions while
living away from their parents. However, if they live with their parents
together, such situations are highly avoided and the risk of having negative
outcomes are mitigated because parents give correct guidance or better ideas.
Parents may know well about their sons and daughters and also have gained a lot
of experience during their own lives. When I was a senior undergraduate, I was
investigating my aptitudes and companies to have the best career. My father
checked my progress of career searches every evening at home and shared his
experiences and tips closely. Eventually, I was able to find the best career
path based on his guidance. This chance can be likely unavailable when young
adults live independently from their parents. (GOOD EXAMPLE)
All in all, I think living with their parents for a
long time is better than living away from their parents to have independence
for two reasons: they can focus on their work with the family members’ help on
some housework, and they can have guidance for important decision makings.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
|
GOOD
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FAIR-GOOD
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GOOD
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 문법 실수 등이 적고 내용이 논리적으로 정리되어 있으며 이유 및 예시 또한 설득력 있는 글입니다. 수고하셨습니다. |