▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that individuals can deal with their own problems, so they don't need any help from the government. However, I strongly believe that there are many problems that each person cannot handle manage with, so the government must aid them to address with such problems for following two reasons. First, there are obstacles that become worse when people solve them on their own tend to overcome it by themselves, and second, there are cases where the cause of the problem is not the individual, but the society. To start with, sometimes, people can fall into more serious problems when they try escaping it on their own. (Unclear meaning) This means that the attempt of the individuals leads to a worse problem. (What attempt?) In such situations, external assistance is mandatory and the government is the best source of it. For instance, it is very difficult to get out of poverty because it is almost impossible to gain money without spending money. (Are you sure?) So, a majority of nations are conducting policies that aid poor people with some money they need to live on. (Need concluding part) Furthermore, social problems frequently become the source of the problem of an individual, and such problems are not solvable without the help of the government. (Clarify the meaning) To be specific, many young Korean people man of Korea these days are suffering from the unemployment issue joblessness. The cause of this is thought to be the bad wrong policy of the government which increased the unemployment rate. (What was it? Give us an example) Individuals do not have any power to create new jobs for themselves, so the government must try helping these people. In a nutshell, there are problems that individuals cannot deal on their own because attempts to escape may lead to worse problems and the root of the problem is the society or the government, not them. (What does this mean?) Regarding these reasons, I sincerely believe that sometimes, people need help from the government to overcome problems.
| 채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | Score | Limited 10-17 | - 문장의 의미가 대부분 불분명하고, 각 논지에 대한 결론 문장이 누락되어 있어요. - 각 단락에 대하여 writer의 논지에 근거한 좋은 예시들을 제시할 수 있어야 합니다.
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