Topic :t echnology has made the world a better place to live
Your Answer :it is of great worth to discuss whether or not. the answer to this question can vary depending on each individual's perspective. as far as i'm concerned, I agree with this given statement because it gives people convenience.
first of all, technology helps people use their time effectively and efficiently. people in these days have a hectic schedule, wise time consuming in the most important matter out of all. so, using the technology can contribute to waste their time.
the perfect example of this is my friend. she had to get a good grade form science class but she didn't understand the principle. however, she used the internet for searching related information. this enabled her to study alone without an expert's assistance. as long as she had internet access, she can search whatever valuable information whenever she wanted. plus, she didn't have to go through any tedious process which is not needed. it indicates that using the internet technology help people to stop waste time.
according to research conducted by AJS, one of the most renowned research center in South Korea, people who know that how to use technology showed better performance than rarely did in company. the same study also noted that the former ones outperformed the latter ones in every aspect of their lives.
to summarize what i've mentioned above, I'm for the notion that technology has made the world a better place to live since it gives people convenience in terms of every aspect.
이렇게 썼더니 첨삭을 이렇게 받았습니다
-> 우선 전체 paragraph는 왜 이렇게 나눈건가요?
줄 바꾸기는 무조건 단락이 바뀔때만 바꿔야합니다. 이렇게 적으면 이해 힘듭니다.
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proof reading하는 것도 정말 중요하지만 제 생각에는 문장 쓰기 연습을 다시 하는게 가장 좋을 거 같아요.
다른 사람들이 쓴 글을 읽는 것도 좋습니다.
저는 나름 잘썼다고 생각했는데,, 뭐가 문제인걸까요,, 라이팅도 대소문자 구별 해야하나요,,? 처음알았어요...
여러분들이 읽으셨을때 어떠신가요,,? 글 자체가 그냥 문제인가여?ㅠㅠㅠ
너무 충격이네요..ㅠㅠ