Q. Describe a job that is considered important in your country. You should say -
- What it is and what qualification or training is required
- Why people pick it and what kind of people choose it
- How it helps the country
- Explain why this job is important in your country.
* The job that I think is considered important in my country is a doctor. As far as I am concerned, doctors are important in many countries because they are basically dealing with the very lives of people, literally. Therefore, the doctor is one of the most sought after job, especially in young countries such as Australia or Canada (뿐만 아니라 한국도 그렇다 등의 표현을 넣어주세요~어쨌든 핵심은 your country 이죠.). Since it requires specialised knowledge and experiences in the medical fields in order to conduct serious surgeries, the people who want to be doctors need to go through at least 6 years to have a degree in that field and additionally another 3 years of hands-on training before they can officially be called as 'doctors'.
However (기본적으로 앞의 내용과 반대되는 말을 하는 건 아니라 however 는 적절하지 않습니다. 만약에 '저런 긴 기간의 훈련에도 불구하고~~' 라는 문맥에서 however 를 의도하셨다면, 이에 맞게 더 구체적으로 적어주셔야 해요.), there are a few reasons why I think doctors are particularly significant in Korea. As many international people know already, Korea is famous and infamous for plastic surgeries. For this reason, there are tons of people who go to the hospital frequently just for cosmetic reasons, spending a great deal of money on plastic surgeries annually. Due to its high demand, there are also numerous hospitals in Korea which specialise in cosmetic surgeries.
Since the majority of people who want to become doctors only hope to earn a lot of money, while less caring for the safety and right procedures, I think the genuine doctors are very few in spite of a number of doctors in Korea. And this deplorable fact threatens the precious lives of many Koreans. A lot of surgeons do not explain well about the side effects or drawbacks of surgeries. Thus, many Koreans who have been through unnecessary plastic surgeries now suffer from its fatal side effects, and as a matter of fact, there are even communities for those who have to suffer from the side effects of such surgeries for the rest of their lives.
When Koreans focus on the nations' skillfulness as it has many skilled doctors compared to other counties, I think it can make good impacts on the global society. As the medical sector in Korea is famous for its experiences and proficiency in many medical fields, I think it can contribute enormously to the Korean economy, as it is now. So if it is used properly, I think it can be a major growth factor in Korea in the long term.
총평: 라이팅 게시판에도 글을 올려주시는 Grace 님과 동일 분이시겠죠 아마? 문장 구성 능력이 상당히 뛰어나신 걸 봐서 아마 같은 분이라고 생각됩니다. 문제되는 사항은 크게 없었지만 논제의 조건 중 두 번째 조건은 다른 조건들에 비해 잘 충족되었다고 보기에는 조금 어려울 것 같습니다. Why people pick it and what kind of people choose it 과 관련된 답변을 굳이 찾자면 세 번째 문단 첫 문장에 희미하게 드러나긴 하지만, 지금보다는 더 구체적으로 설명해주실 필요가 있어요. 세 번째 문단의 두 번째 문장 이후부터는 '논제를 고려했을 때' 역할이 다소 애매하므로 이보다는 그냥 두 번째 조건을 더 자세히 설명하는 걸 추천드립니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)