■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. |
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▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who think that cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, it would have been impossible to travel around the world without the invention of airplanes. Second, airplanes have influenced our economy in a big scale. (이미 밑에서이유들을 다 서술할 것이기 때문에 인트로에서는 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, before the invention of airplanes, it took a very long time to go abroad. Moreover, not only did traveling required time, but it was also hazardous but also was hazard. According to a study, it is estimated that over 3,000 people died annually due to long-term trip to foreign countries through ships 500 years ago. Now that the airplanes allow us to go abroad at anytime with much more safety, globalization could accelerate. Through planes, we can plan a trip to the other side of the Earth, and consequently meet diverse people, expanding our perspectives of view.
On top of that, we can enjoy diverse products all over the world through plane-sipping. Making it a lot easier and faster to trade products, world's economy could get connected country by country. Our society's economy is influencing one another has influenced others, making it possible for us to enjoy high-quality goods. I know this from my personal experience. When For example, when my father told me that when hewas on his buisness trip was on his business trip, he found out that he could get brilliant ideas which was limited to get just in Korea. On the other hand, China and south-east Asia take up a big portion of worldwide labor thesedays labor circumstances in other countries, thanks to the convenience that airplanes made for employees to move overseas. This made companys produce goods in a more efficient way.
In conclusion, airplanes have made world-wide communication and shipping possible. In this regard, I think airplanes are the ones that give bigger impact on our lives, compared to cars in comparison to cars.
점수: 23 일단 전체적으로 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 어색한 표현들은 에세이로 하여금 플로우를 방해하게 됩니다. 따라서 제가 지적한 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 마무리 부분이 아쉬운 에세이입니다. 좀 더 주제와 연관을 지으면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분들이 해결이되면 더 좋은 에세이가 될거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |
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아이디어가 잘 안떠올라서 시간이 너무 촉박했습니다ㅠㅠ